journey

None of us are perfect, none of us ‘have our shit together’, even those who state they do, they are fakers. We are all fakers. We don’t want to look as though we don’t know what we are doing, even though the reality is that we actually don’t have a clue.

Why is not knowing such a bad thing? Why does it have such negative connotations?

I for one, will hold my hands up high whilst standing on my tip toes and happily and proudly declare “I have no fucking idea what I am doing”

In not knowing lies the fun, the adventure, because it means you can embark on a journey of exploration and discovery. I am only 31 years old, why would i know everything? Why do I even need to know? There is no big book of the universe which states in its rules “Thou must know whom one is and what one wants”

To me, making a huge decision to declare that you ‘know’ kinda cuts of the possibilty for opening up to other opportunities. Once committed to one thing you feel trapped, you have to stick with it so you turn other things down. You become closed off, narrow minded – only focused on what you have said to know – i.e. who you are, what you want etc.

Lifes changeable, its fluid and flexible.

I am changeable.

This infuriates those close to me who are conditioned into the societal way of thinking that one must know what one wants to do with ones life, and once one has chosen then they are obliged to stand by that choice.

Why?

I am here once, why wouldn’t I want to try as many things as I feel inclined to try? Sure some may not work so well as others, but unless I try I will never know. I am ok with shit not quite working out. Its not a bad thing, its not failure. Its valuable life lessons to be learnt. (Even though I may have times dissolved into a puddle of tears on the floor – it never lasts and the smile returns eventually).

I cannot live to please others. Sorry parents, sorry to those closest to me. This is my go at this fantastic experience called life, and I am going to live it. Please do not worry, do not stress. If I fall it is how I learn to pick myself back up. If a person has never fell, how would they ever know how to do this?

Sure I may live in a way that does not coinside with how you think a person should live, but that does not mean it is wrong.

I can not wait for a catalytic event to cause me to want to grab life by its horns and live it – I have to do it now, I have to do the shit that scares me. I want to grow, I do not want to stagnate.

Sure its nice to have everything running smoothly, to feel safe, secure and comfy – but then where is all the experience and opportunity to learn and to grow? Because surely that is what life is for? We are not here to work 9-5 week in week out and to numb our minds with TV and stay safe in our homes – we are here to live, to love, and to grow and learn so that we are ready for our next phase.

Life is messy, painful, beautiful, busy, chaotic, challenging, fun, pleasurable, sad, joyful, blissful…….

Why cling to one state when there are so many to experience?

How can one ever feel true joy if one never feels any pain?

In the pain and in the beauty, the joy and sorrow, i find peace knowing that each and every experience and emotion is merely passing, none are permanent, none lasts forever – so feel it all!!

Once you know

you cannot go back

cannot un-know.

Lower back aches

longing to return to sleep

dreamless slumber of the un awake,

Futile, for there is no return

once kissed

simply holding hands is a distant memory.

You can go forward

but you cannot go back

once done

cannot be undone

This is a fact

not just a rule of thumb.

to the unknown you stumble forwards

fear grips you at every step

wanting to stop

retreat back into the cuccoon of which you stepped out

no longer in the comfort zone

no longer another of societies clones,

scary to keep on

for this path is tough

but once aware

to attempt to hide under delusion

would be unfair.

guide me

light my way

I keep on putting my trust in you

every single day…..

Beautifully broken bookworm

Thoughts on life, and the things which make us tick

To go…

To live or to exist?

Of no return…